Taking a good, hard look at yourself isn’t always the easiest thing in the world to do. It seems as though the world, not wishing to look at themselves, as made a daily practice of picking on my shortcomings, so as to have put on the perminant defensive from ALL attacks. I sometimes get annoyed when fellow AAs mention things that even suggest that I may have been, or are doing something inappropriate.

The Ego is a tough hurdle to jump on most occaisions. But because, “To Drink Is To Die”, I must always remain willing to take that good hard look at myself. Taking a daily inventory is so important and must not be overlooked, that skipping this vital step, either means you’re on your way out, or maybe you’re not an alcoholic. That’s pretty black and white.

I suffer from a spiritual malady that only a spiritual experience can grant me a daily reprieve based soley on my constant effort to enlarge uppon my spiritual life. Half measures avail me nothing. I cannot get sober on yesterdays work, no more than I can get a full stomache on yesterdays meal.

Having gone through the twelves steps with a sponsor. Having taken, and taking others through the twelve steps via the Big Book and the Twelve and Twlelve, going to meeting, starting meetings, leading meetings, and being invlolved in service work, I sometimes feel as though I’m too busy. This leads to not doing step 10 at the end of my day, or because I really don’t have the willingness (step 1) to take the time to d this, I say the second thing that comes to mind (which is usually a lie) which is usually in the form of an excuse for my/their behavior letting them/me off the hook, meaning, it’s ok and now I don’t have to write my 10th step!!

And if this worked one time, it’ll work again and again untill I’ve gone a week, two weeks, three weeks, and still no daily inventory. At this point I no longer know who or what I am and I’m running my life soley on my will and my will alone, this is called running my life on “Self-Propulsion” (Containing its own means of propulsion) I’m pushing, steering, and directing the wagon, and this is not only tiring and confusing, but always, ALWAYS, has lead to greater troubles down the road.

If I’m not taking a look at myself on a daily basis, I quickly begin to make decisions based on self. Decisions made based on self (self centered) often dont take into account the affects they will have on others, and therefore usually wind up hurting or at least upsetting others to a greater or lesser degree. This is called Character Defects, Instincts out of Control. Running a life based on self, through self-propulsion, means that FEAR s involved at some level, and is quickly gaining on us.

So I’m running. Running to catch up to my goals, Running to meet the demands and expectations of society, Running to get away from my fears, running to meet my responcabilities. Then I begin running to get away from my guilt and remorse, because hurting others is starting to become evident to me (again). This becomes a cycle that slowly/quickly grows and becomes the quickstand Bill talks about as I reach another jumping off place yet again.

The only way to stop reaching this jumping off place again and again is to continue to do the work all of the time. Not stopping to rest on my laurels (previous achievements) and to “Trudge” (To walk in a laborious, heavy-footed way; plod. A long, tedious walk.) through everyday life.

If you’ve noticed - the word Trudge is the only negative word used in the entire Big Book to describe the life of being a sober AA (or is it?) - indeed is conotation is seemingly negative. It’s initial meaning is indeed unattractive to just about every AA. But lest we forget what we have been through? How can we forget the pain, anger, resentment, fear, selfishness, bancrupcy, stealing, hurting of others, lying, cheating, mabe you were homeless, hungry, alone, dead of soul and spirit, devoid of any power - let alone all of the power in the universe, maybe the balance sheet hasn’t been fully realized by your disease (remember the one trying to break you down and make you go back to the pain) maybe you would gladly Trudge your way to happy destiny if you could clearly see in one two column sheet the clear and profound difference between today and yesterday.

Not on any given day, or just when things seem to suck, but collectively, everyday, all inclusive. Consider: would you trade today, sober, collectively, everything - for yesterday, drunk, collectively, both the good and the horrible, everything? How bad is your sobriety? Is it as bad, after doing everything suggested (outlined in the Big Book) as it was when you were drinking?

For most AA’s who are doing the work straight from the clear cut set of directions, the Big Books first 164 pages, the solution to our dilema, the answer s a clear cut YES! Because with each step we take forward, with each day that we are doing the work, (the trudge) living in 10-11-12, we are liking ourselves more, hating the world less, getting new promises in our life, seeing current promises become elarged upon, watching miracle on top of miracle happen all around us. Seeing God become more relivant, more divine, more loving, and more necessary in every moment of everyday of our lives.

So the answer to that is that the word Trudge isn’t negative for this alcoholic (especially in the light of the pain and misery of my drinking career) I actually look forward to taking a good hard look at myself, and seeing the miracle of helping thers do the same.

Living in Steps Ten, Eleven and Twelve are the daily activities for doing this, and if I ever find myself on page 52 of the Big Book, second paragraph down, I can be rest assured that my efforts, if any, are not enough, I need to throw myself harder into living in 10,11,12 and living on all 3 sides of the triangle, Service, Fellowship and Recovery.

My sobriety is 100% contingent on my spiritual condition. Do I believe that my sobriety is 100% contingent on my spiritual condition?

Am I willing to do the work on eliminating SELF (ego) in order to be spiritual fit?

Do I fully understand the Necessity of column four and how it is the begining of creating with my creator and new life beyond my wildest dreams?